it is monday morning. actually it’s already halfway through the morning. i am on campus, trying to incorporate changes to the second chapter of my thesis. my supervisor & i had a really great discussion about how to do it, but now, it is as though all the wind is out of my sails. i just want this to be over already. i want to hand it in as is and be done with it.

on the other hand, a second after hitting send, i would feel frustrated, i know, because it’s not my best work. handing in my thesis the way it is now would be half-assed, & i’m not used to doing things half-assed.

i moved across the country to take my spot in this master’s program. my husband & i uprooted ourselves, moved away from our friends and family to start a new life here so i could study what i am passionate about. we found out a few days before we left that i was pregnant. as we drove away from our first apartment, waving frantically at my waving parents on the sidewalk, i remember thinking: what are we doing?

about thirty hours of driving later, a few nights in a college dorm room, we moved into our townhouse, without furniture. we slept on the floor. the carpet was dirty. i remember thinking: what are we doing?

my pregnancy was rough. i threw up a lot. more than once, hanging over the toilet bowl, i remember thinking: what are we doing?

when my son was born, my semester wasn’t quite over, so i brought him to class, all teeny tiny and new; it’s difficult to take notes and participate in class when your breasts are being noisily sucked on. we didn’t get a lot of sleep. on more than one occasion, i stood rocking my baby and i remember thinking: what are we doing?

we have been here for two and a half years now. my son will be turning 2 in march. my thesis submission date is this friday, november 26th. this is what we are doing. we have a life here now, with good friends who support us and love us, my son has grandparents who live inside our computer with whom he skypes almost daily. my husband finished his teaching degree, & is working now, doing a job he loves. and me, well, i’m writing my thesis, doing something that i, too, {mostly} love.

my brain is fuller than it was when i got here, & so is my heart. that’s what we’re doing.